Tears

I live in a place and time where parents are overprotective of their children, a place and time where true love is hard to find and even if you did find yours you might choose another person for really superficial factors, a place and time where I can hardly breathe, let go and be myself.

As I type these words, tears are welling up my eyes. Its not that I do not love my parents but I hate not having enough money and yet putting up a strong face to seem like you are managing perfectly well. I hate having to pull out my own savings to help pay my dad's debt when I havr my own education to pay for and yet this money is never enough and has only been helping us live just on the line before bankruptcy. I hate having to bear the weight of being the one expected to step out into the society n start paying off my parents debt n help my sister pay for her education in the future as my parents wo t have enough money n will be too old then. I m running breathless after I shattered my left talus bone from cheerleading. More money to pay and another dream to fly high and be part of something new I have dreamt so long for, gone. Not getting into ADM, yes I Hv been dreadfully sore abt it. And then a relationship. A tryout. I thought we would manage well buy once again I was the backup plan, the extra net to save you, the tissue paper you use to clean up the previous mess. Ouch enough after listening to my crush rejecting me. Then, finally someone who loves me. I pray loves me true. Though not a Christian, I pray him to be soon. We r kept so far apart thanks to my fractured ankle and my parents. I miss staying in hall. I long for that freedom. The happy walking and rushing around, the whole independent and no need to bear the burden caused by stupid mistakes made by my parents. And also their sudden taking it out on me once they get frustrated by the debt. Ok, I understand how tough it is for them but they make me feel all the more helpless n stressed....

I live in a family full of threats and I learned to maximise each moment n watch my step. Not that it is a bad thing, but unlike others, I cannot let go. Of anything for fear of consequences, consequences, consequences. Every move I make, even watching tv, texting, writing my diary, eating, bathing. I m threatened to stay disciplined by making sure I abide by their timing. I m forced to care for others not learn to care for others cos I care. I hated my sis for being loved more by my parents n soon realised I Hv begun to put on a lazy princess image to get their attention, to get them to actually care for me like a kid. The years I lost while I was younger n she was born. A childish subconscious I finally realised. Painful for me an arrested child. Those big pretty eyes made jealousy eat into my heart. NO! I cannot let this in. I love my sister. Hut though I often wonder why she chooses to treat me nicely. N she loves listening to Taylor swift's song 'mean' and calls me mean. She believes she' ll b beta than me in the future. I hated n loved her. I bite on everyday. Never explaining even if it wasn't my fault. Swallowing every bit of the rotten rice. My parents aren't very educated and communication becomes a problem. The more u explain, the more miscommunication n I risk losing more things. And then it comes to pride. Chasing my dreams are prideful in their eyes. It' s my wannabe n arrogance tt I wanna take up school activities. I suck it up cos I m used to it. Both me b my sis have been badly attacked by both my parents before, over small matters, like dining. They enjoy labelling me lazy n I no longer bother to defend myself in front of them. Giving in is much easier. This way they expect lesser of me.

My childhood wasn't any beta. Called a pig, extra, fat, loser, arrogant, useless, having my things thrown around, into the bin, my favourite book drenched. My results mocked at. My voice called unbearable n was forced to only mouthsync. My handwriting an eternal mess, my teacher hated me, a class gathering with my teacher just to talk about why they hated me n had to resolve this issue. Years later after graduation, i was still left out of the photo n was told to be the one who took the foto. My presence was unnecessary n would Hv been preferred if I wasn't there. I was walking home n happened to be on the same path as 2 of my classmates and they ran away thinking I was following them. I was forced to play bball solo against my class girls consisting of school team players to gain their recognition. In vain but one friend I gained till date.

In secondary school, I was called power puff girls gang bcos I was always in a group if 3 frens, act cute when I was just being myself.copycat when our work being similar was purely coincidental. A lousy dancer even when I was in primary sch. But I also met really faithful frens.2 of them I kept close to my heart n a wonderful experience in sec 3 n4.

I can never tell my parents how I feel or what I wanna do or did cos they will ALWAYS use it back against me. I have my tongue tied goodnight.